The most essential qualities to look for in any potential Husband or Wife

The most essential qualities to look for in any potential Husband or Wife

In today’s society there is an overemphasis of the importance of having to look a certain image and an unrealistic media portrayal of women in the media which ever increases the pressures upon an ever-image conscious population to look the part. This has also resulted in Muslims being prone to make such shallow judgements for marriage. Although it cannot be denied that looks will and do affect a decision to marry and that someone may not be another persons ‘type’, it is also important for us as Muslims to truly consider the qualities that we should pursue and look to, to make an enlightened and appropriate long term choice that results in happiness and tranquillity. Hence these are the qualities that I feel, form the basis of what we as Muslims look for, for surely it is the personality and the being of the person we marry that will enable us to gain true companionship.

Islam

This is the MOST essential quality that people need to have. Its about having a true genuine desire for Islam and a true love for Allah(swt)’s pleasure. It’s the type of Islam that is deeply embedded within a person’s mindset and heart. This isn’t about looking for someone who is an angel without making mistakes, but rather its about the Islamic mindset and the genuine desire to get close to Allah(swt) by referring to Islam, even though we are humans and will undoubtedly make many many mistakes and errors.

Its not about the type of Islam that people follow just to ‘kinda-be-Islamic’, or the type that exists to ‘show-off-to-others’, or the type that’s a ‘fad-for-the-year’ and nor the ‘everyone-else-seems-to-be-doing-it-so-let-me-get-in-on-it’ kind of Islam.

Its about someone uses Islam as a criteria for all of their actions, doesn’t just say this, but actually believes that Islam solves all problems and that we will go to Islam for any differences that they may arise in the relationship. This will ensure that problems are ironed out without major hiccups, since no matter how Romeo-Juliet you first feel at first – there’s always a possibility of problems arising.

Indeed the Messenger of Allah(saw) said: “Marry the one whose religious you will prosper”. Hence marriage should therefore be a basis to strengthen ones deen, the ultimate objective must be to find someone who will increase your Iman and who will lead you to jannah inshaAllah.

Intelligence

It is important to converse, discuss and become the bestest and closest of friends with your spouse. Hence a similar level of intelligence is required for this to happen. The two people involved need to singing from the same hymn sheet. Many people may say that compatibility is about having similar interests and hobbies, this may be true, but in reality not only will this limit your scope, but this is generally a result of having a similar mindset in the first place anyway. Hence the real reason for compatibility is indeed the level of thought and having similar interests is merely a result or a symptom of this. Therefore I think this is more about being able to relate to each other and being able to TAKE a genuine interest in the other half, since interests can be developed.

GSOH

Without question, having a laugh is critical. Hence a sense of humour is mandatory and very very important. I mean, can you even be happy without having a good laugh?

Not using Islam for selfish purposes

Marriage is about two different individuals coming together to start a new life for the sake of getting into jannah, they are both on this journey, both need to be happy with each other, open with each other, caring for each other and understanding about each others needs. So for example, if the wife wants go to work, the hubby should not have any issues…I mean so what if his khana(food) is slightly late, even though strictly islamically he CAN refuse and say “hey its my right”. i.e. its more than just following the halal/haram, they need to choose actions from the mandubaat that benefit one another, look after each other and are considerate of each other. So for example, would you encourage her to visit her father even if you had major disagreement with him, or would you USE that against her?

Marriage is not only about your needs but you also required to be compassionate to the needs of others hence this translates to seeing your spouse as a person for themselves and allowing them to be individuals in their own rights.

Self-Critical

Choose someone who is self-critical and thinks about his/her actions and reflects. This quality is important, because s/he will always be thinking: are my actions bringing any harm to others (her/him, him/her family)? It will also enable the person to become Islamic and close to Allah swt. It will allow both husband and wife to be able to correct and be corrected by the other.

Stable character

Stability/Steadiness and having a firm resolve is needed for the relationship to progress in the long term. I think this is MORE important for brothers, which may mean being unemotional when faced with emotional issues, and is about individuals not acting on IMPULSE….I’ve heard about it happen…guy in the heat of the moment says talak, talak, talak…then everything gets buggered…utter stupidity…and over what – really somot stupid/silly/minute. Stability also results from being a chilled out character, being easy-going, relaxed and the knack of not letting things get to you.

True Acceptance of ‘Higher Rank’

Allah swt in the Qur’an says that men have higher rank/degree above women. This is not about who is better and so on, but rather the illah(reason behind) the ‘higher rank’ is based on ‘looking after’ and not egoistic/selfish/me myself and I personality syndromes that we see many individuals having these days…i.e. we need to remember that the higher rank should be seen as an AMANAH which Allah(swt) will account you for on the Day of Judgment.

Non-Perfectionist attitude

Humans are all imperfect and have thousands of mistakes/issues. Hence for a successful marriage to proceed, we need to accept the fact that humans are different and therefore your potential spouse may not fit into your model of the perfect being. There may be aspects that you may not like of your spouse and you will need to overlook these for aspects which you like and love. This will enable the marriage to proceed in a tranquil and successful manner inshaAllah.

A Muslim who truly understands his Aqeedah realising that the Qur’an is the word of Allah swt thereby accepting that the only thing in the dunya that is perfect and without faults is inevitably the Qur’an, will fully appreciate the nature of insaan as being full of faults and twirks. Hence how could one who understands this ever let those became a reason for any negative emotion.

Independence in Thinking

Does this person have the ability to NOT allow the family to interfere in a way that is detrimental to the marriage….Sometimes you find that families from both sides like to interfere and may cause problems…As an example I met one bro and he tells me how he got married to a sister who had a good executive type job, and how his parent intervened and wanted her to be a house wife, so she had to quit work and now he’s struggling to pay rent etc. Madness!

Goldfish Memory

Life isn’t about holding grudges or venting up frustrations. Marriage is also about two different, possibly diverse families coming together. There will always be issues whether from your spouse, from their immediate family or even the wider family. Islam made silat tur rahm (visiting of relatives) an obligation. This means that the individuals need to have a goldfish mentality to issues that have arisen and learn to forgive and forget easily. Its about being chilled out and relaxed, realising the true objective of life is Jannah and therefore not wishing to waste time/effort or even thinking in petty squabbles.

Humbleness

An individual who is not humble is one that is proud and arrogant. Pride and arrogance (takabur) are the worst diseases an individual can possess and will lead to problems and difficulties in this life and the hereafter. Obviously the primary concern for someone who has takabur is indeed the entry into Jannah and the avoidance of hellfire.

But another implication of this disease is that the person will think brilliant of him or her self. S/he will think less of others. This in marriage will lead to the non-appreciation of his/her spouse. In reality, any relationship, regardless of the amount of love and compassion that may exist, still requires an awful lot of effort and perseverance, but with takabur you will not find a true recognition of this need since they will think they are better than others, and ‘others’ may well include their spouse. In actual fact humbleness will mean that both spouses will individually feel that they are the ‘lucky ones’ – lucky to have the other as their spouse  Whereas having an attribute of takabur implies the opposite.

Dua

O Allah, You are the Lord of the worlds and the changer of hearts, so change my heart to be one which remembers You and that which is sincere to You and glorifies You day and night.

O Allah, nothing is beyond your power, so I pray that you give me khair in the dunya and khair in the akhirah. Give me khair in the dunya by testing me with that which I can bear, forgiving my sins without taking away your blessings and overlooking my shortcomings.

O Allah, guide me to the sirat tal mustaqeem and strengthen within me my Iman.

O Allah, help us to find a spouses who are upon the Haq, who are a strength for Islam, who are sincere to You and who is devoted to You. A spouse with whom we find tranquillity and companionship. A spouse such that our seeing the other is a strengthening of our Iman, a spouse with whom whose company is a reminder of Allah, a spouse who can educate the children we have – to enable them to become a light of Islam and guides for Muslims, a spouse with whom our personality becomes more refined, a spouse whose smile takes away our tiredness, a spouse whose closeness takes away our worries, a spouse with whose love our needs are reduced, a spouse who removes our laziness by their constancy, a spouse who forgives our faults and overlooks the errors we make, a spouse who becomes for us a comfort, a protection, a cover and a support in the journey of life, a spouse in whose heart there is love and affection, in whose being is intimacy and closeness, a spouse in whose soul there is mercy and compassion, a spouse with which our deen becomes complete and a spouse with whom we enter jannah til firdous.

With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility

A hadith related to power of the Prophet(saw) is:

“Each of you is a shepherd and responsible for his flock. An Imam is a shepherd and he is responsible for those in this care. A man is a shepherd in his family and is responsible for those in his care. The woman is a shepherd in her husband’s house and is responsible for those in her care. The servant is a shepherd of his master’s property and is responsible for what is in his care.”

Although it was in Spiderman we found the saying ‘With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility’. It is clear that Islam has always recognised this fact. At first one may thing that this statement is more applicable to a person with superhuman strength or powers, which none of us have (yeh, I know there are power we would all like to have), the truth is that this simple statement conveys a host of information and lessons for the Muslim. If we take power to mean ‘the ability to influence’ or ‘the ability to affect another human being’, then we all have some power to an extent which may differ, depending on our roles and responsibilities we find ourselves in. Hence the hadith about each of us being a shepherd is applicable to each and every one of us, whether we are leaders of states, leaders of groups, leading a task, leaders in a journey, leading a household, or even mothers to our children.

The biggest danger a person faces, who maybe in a position of authority or power, will be from the diseases of arrogance and pride. Having a position as such can easily bring out the worst and hence egoism can become manifest.

Pride and Arrogance is indeed the worst of sins. Any other defect and there is more of a chance the individual can be corrected and will accept the advice, but in contrast, pride/arrogance will be blinding. It was Sufyan al-Thawri(rm) who said: “Every act of disobedience committed due to passion, its forgiveness is hoped for. Every act of disobedience committed due to arrogance, its forgiveness is not hoped for because the root of Satan’s disobedience was arrogance, whereas the root of Adam’s lapse was passion”

Therefore we find that in the past many of the sahaba being aware of this danger, did not, accept positions of authority. They did not accept positions of leadership and stayed away from being governors or Amils of provinces.

WRT households, when Allah swt mentions in the Quran that men have a degree over women, its not about you-being-the-man or having to enforce your decisions. Its not about being draconian and despotic. The illah (legal reason) for this rule is more to do with the hukm of looking after the household. Its to do with taking care of the affairs (unlike the Muslim rulers who are puppets of western regimes and their corporations), and in essence its about being their guardians.

Practically this boils down to decisions and issues being mutually decided. The household being tranquil, the warmth of love and compassion existing in the relationship. Of course the rule exists for a reason, so the best example I can think of personally would probably be:

Some time ago, my sister wanted to go to the city centre….there was a footy match on…she wears hijab and jilbab…supporters had filled pubs…and somehow in some weird woman’s logical thought process!!!…. she came to the conclusion that all will be fine…I kinda INSISTED…NO, not today.

(i know the eg’s a bit crass…but there we are)

So the rule exists to achieve guardianship and thereby happiness and tranquility in the household and not an egoistic trip someone may like to go on!!!!!!!!

Also, when it comes to the woman’s role, she also has responsibilities, whether its to her in-laws, or to her children. I’ve unfortunately seen a case where a wife of someone I knew, was kinda a bit off-ish with her in-laws and unhappy for her children to see their grandparents. I’ve also seen cases where mother-in-laws become jealous and draconian.

Even tho we all have been given influence, power and authority in certain respects, we shouldnt forget that the real KING we will face on Yuam al Qiyama.
And believe me, He swt has MORE than superhuman powers!! 🙂

So I guess with great power does come great responsibility, but only for those who realise that along with great power there also comes an even greater accountability.

May Allah swt only give us those tests we can take, may Allah swt only give us that which we can bear, may Allah swt guide us to the sirat tal mustaqeem, may He swt help us to achieve happiness and tranquillity in the Dunya and thereby make of us of those who achieve His pleasure in the Akhirah. May He swt make our households those that work together to achieve Jannah til Firduas. May Allah swt make us realise the error of our ways, the diseases in our hearts, the mistakes of our limbs and the insincerity of our hearts. May Allah swt give us protection from arrogance, protection from the whispers of shaitaan and make our hearts at one with Himself.

O Allah, indeed you know us better then we know ourselves – for we can truly deceive even ourselves but there is no hiding from You. You are the all-seer and the all-knower. Without you we are lost and without you we will truly enter jahannum. So do not leave us for even a moment, O Allah.

Ameen