The Newer Model Syndrome

The Newer Model Syndrome

Contents

Consumerism

Newer Model Syndrome

What is Marriage About

The macho men attitude and Identifying the romantic or newer type

Summary

Consumerism

We live in an age of consumerism where everyone wants the newest gadget, the latest car and the most new and improved product. Although as Muslims we should be more aware of the media and its negative effects, we nevertheless are affected by the society at large and many a Muslim has also adopted this wanting the newest model syndrome.

Newer Model Syndrome

I was talking to a sister who made a ‘off-the-cuff’ remark about why is it that after having a few children, men begin to have this fascination of wanting a newer model. They want someone who is younger, fitter, better looking and so on. So in this age of globalisation, in this age where problems are outsourced the world over, you have a band of men who armed with their red passports go off to the third world to find some ‘desperately-seeking-UK-residence’ person willing to give his daughter away to these individuals.

Reminds me of one of the slurs that was targeted at John McCain the presidential hopeful: He got married to a much younger fitter woman after having left his wife who had waited for him throughout his capture as a prisoner in the Vietnam war. Shocking yet expected in this age.

In another discussion with a couple of married brothers where I expressed the desire to find a wife with whom I find tranquillity, companionship and romance, they said: ‘Bro, after marriage, its only gonna be about sleep, food, sex and children, that’s it’. Being difficult to digest it made me think about the essence of marriage and the qualities to look for in a spouse.

What is Marriage About

Allah(swt) mentions in the Qura’an al Kareem when He(swt) says ‘And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts. Undoubtedly in these are signs for those who reflect.’ (TMQ 30:21)

When Allah(swt) mentions in Surah al Baqarah that they are your garments and you are theirs, this clearly shows us that marriage is about looking after each other, cherishing each other, valuing each other, loving each other, finding repose in each other, comforting each other, smiling at one another, making each other laugh, chilling with one another, playing with each other, doing dua for each other, seeking the other persons happiness, thinking about each other’s needs….it’s about your spouse being your bestest and closest friend, it’s about knowing and caring for each other deeply. This is again implied in the hadith of the Prophet(saw) when he stated that men and women are twin half’s of each other.

It is clear from Islam that he has given the husband the higher degree in the relationship and it is the husband who has the final say in any decision. But if the illah(reason) of marriage is tranquillity and companionship, then surely it would be wrong for the husband to be draconian or dictatorial in any decision, rather he must consult, discuss, debate, and come to mutual conclusions. The higher degree is therefore not about him having ‘the final say’ for its own sake but rather to do with ‘taking care of the families affairs’.

Marriage is the coming together of two different people and therefore it is important for both partners to respect that individuality – in the sense that the husband should not view his wife as his  i.e. it’s important for the husband to be considerate to the wife’s needs. He should not make unnecessary demands and also be prepared to make certain sacrifices and compromises. Consideration and kindness are more than ‘just following the hukm shari’ i.e. It’s to do with not DEMANDING your rights in a Allah-says-this-therefore-you-gotta-do-it kinda fashion. So for example, it is obliged upon the wife to cook for the husband, now if your wife wanted to work which meant that you couldn’t have your favourite ABC(Anda-Bread-Cha) breakfast and take roti-salan to work, then OK, big deal, have cereal and sandwiches.

On the flipside, the wife also needs to realise that her primary and most important role has to be that of the mother and also she needs to understand her duties of making and keeping her husband happy, hence she would not have a mentality of this-is-my-career-i-dont-give-a-shit-about-anyone-or-anything-else. Hence life after marriage for the couple would proceed with them being ONE, yet they are still two individuals in their own ways! (OK, so it sounds like the Christian holy trinity mumbo jumbo….but I’m sure you get the jist). Umar(ra) summed this up when he said that he does not demand all his rights off his wife because then his wife would demand the same.

Marriage in Islam in the sacred relationship that allows two previously somewhat unrelated individuals to enjoy the company of one another. Yet the essential element is love. Marriage is not just a partnership, a business deal, an agreement where there is a division of labour and so on. It is about finding someone with whom you can share your dreams, with whom you can open your heart to, with whom you can develop a bond that is unlike anything else in the world…your spouse becoming your bestest of friends, your spouse becoming your closest of companions….it’s about having a relationship with someone who knows your deepest darkest feelings, your weightiest weaknesses and still they accept you, still they love you, still they pray for you. [think about how Khadija(ra) comforted our Nabi(saw) in his most doubtful time]

It’s about finding perfection in an imperfect world, having someone who makes you feel wonderful, makes you feel loved, makes you feel cherished, someone who treasures you more than anyone else in the world.  Someone who you know prays for you, someone who you know will put you first, someone who you know will try their utmost to make you the happiest person in the world with everything they have.

Some may think this is a bit over-romanticised, but I don’t think it is…as long as the individuals realise that the most love must be for Allah swt and our Nabi (saw)……  through this the  attainment of Jannah happens…it is through this wonderful relationship that both the spouses will get closer to Allah swt working together, working and helping one another and invigorating each other through mutual cooperation and mistakes.

The macho men attitude and Identifying the romantic or newer type

The decision to find a marriage partner for a sister is a precarious one, one which needs to be taken seriously and needs to have a lot of thought put into it. It’s not an easy decision and is one that will indeed affect a woman’s whole life.

In terms of finding the right partner, since it is difficult to meet across the dance floor as a Muslim or have any sort of relationship before marriage, there needs to be indicators which sisters need to look out for to determine suitability of their spouse.

Unfortunately most men being influenced by the media develop and macho men attitude, where it is seen wrong to express emotions or to feel emotion, to such an extent that most men will prefer to stay aloof from any sort of feelings or attachment and would prefer to have a cold relationship with people around them. Kind of similar to the man who our Nabi(saw) reprimanded when our Nabi(saw) heard that the man had never kissed his children.

My current thinking is that most people want a lifelong commitment in marriage, one that endures problems, hardships, issues and overcomes these in such a manner that the bond of love is strengthened as the years go by. I don’t think there are many sisters who would prefer a man who at the age of forty develops this ‘newer-model-syndrome’. Hence possible indicators of this would probably but not exclusively be:

• How much empathy, feeling and consideration does he have towards other Muslims, toward his relatives or people he has come across? Empathy and truly feeling another Muslims pain is something which allows the individual to base his actions on more than just his selfish desires.
• Does he have a humble-willing-to-accept-and-change attitude or a proud-I-am-right-and-you-are-wrong attitude within how he follows the deen of Allah (swt)? Such that he tries to make seventy excuses for other Muslims?
• Is he one who is forever buying the newest and latest model of phone or car regardless of the non-functionality of the old. Surely once you’ve bought something that gets you from A to B in a functional comfortable manner then why upgrade without reason.
• What’s the most essential thing that he wants from a relationship? How does he view married life and the role of the wife after marriage?
• How touchy/feely is the person or does he prefer to remain aloof and distant to people?

Summary

The newer-model-syndrome is linked to the consumerist mentality, it is as a result of the husband remaining aloof and non-attached to the wife due to his ‘macho’ persona which again exists in this society, and is furthermore expounded by the non-romantic type of relationship the hubby may have with his wife.  In the hadith about the eleven women, Aishah(ra) explains the negative characteristics of some husbands as:

• Camel meat placed on top of a mountain : unapproachable
• Tall fellow: quick to judge condemn and divorce and keeping her in suspense – not entertaining
• Leopard in the house: not interested in the household
• Does not touch me so that he may know my grief: uncaring and selfish
• Heavy in spirit: doesn’t treat his wife delicately

The hadith goes on to compare the husbands of the eleventh woman implying that happiness in marriage comes about through the husband being considerate and appreciative of the wife and not through the amount of wealth a person may have.  It’s important to look for spouses which have humility so that they can strive to make each other happy.

Dua

O Allah, help us to find spouses who are upon the Haq, who are a strength for Islam, who are sincere to You and who is devoted to You. A spouse with whom we find tranquillity and companionship. A spouse such that our seeing the other is a strengthening of our Iman, a spouse with whom whose company is a reminder of Allah, a spouse who can educate the children we have – to enable them to become a light of Islam and guides for Muslims, a spouse with whom our personality becomes more refined, a spouse whose smile takes away our tiredness, a spouse whose closeness takes away our worries, a spouse with whose love our needs are reduced, a spouse who removes our laziness by their constancy, a spouse who forgives our faults and overlooks the errors we make, a spouse who becomes for us a comfort, a protection, a cover and a support in the journey of life, a spouse in whose heart there is love and affection, in whose being is intimacy and closeness, a spouse in whose soul there is mercy and compassion, a spouse with which our deen becomes complete and a spouse with whom we enter jannah til firdous.