Money, Cars and Status – Is this what Marriage is about?

Money, Cars and Status – Is this what Marriage is about?

I was talking to a friend a few days ago. He was complaining to me how it is difficult for him to get married. He said that when he asks about marriage through his networks, the first question that he gets back is: ‘What job do you have?’ along with ‘How much do you earn?’ He continued saying that “look Asaf, I’m not into clubbing, pubbing, going out and other unIslamic activities but these goria(non-Muslims) they don’t seem to care about these issues, they don’t ask how much do you earn, they don’t ask what your job is, they don’t ask what’s the highest level of education that you have, so why is it that Muslim, Muslims who should understand that Rizq is from Allah swt, are so picky about these issues?”

I did not have an answer. I could only console him. But it triggered within me some thoughts. It made me think, why is this the case?

I have a younger sister, so I cannot deny that I have not thought about what kind of person I’d like for her….Of course I’ve thought about the kind of job the person may have and will look at many aspects before I can give my dearest sister away. 😦 [OK I do feel she’s still too young, but there we are….]

BUT for me, the need to look at the person’s background, in terms of his studies and his job, was more to do with the stability of his character, the stableness of his mind, so it was to assess whether he would make judgements based on impulse and therefore an indication to how he thinks.

What worries me, unfortunately is the extent to which some sisters or their parents may go to ascertain a match, must the person be a doctor, an engineer and so on? Must he drive a beamer or a merc? Will this really truly ensure a stable tranquil married life? Is marriage really about having access to money? Does money bring happiness and tranquillity? What amazes me is the words of my friend about how non-Muslim women were less worried about these peripheral issues, how the first question they ask is NOT what job do you have? Or how much do you earn? As Muslims we should ask ourselves, why is it not an issue for them? Why do they not make this a deciding factor?

Let us think about the above actions, and while we do that, let us think about what Islam says about marriage.

Allah swt has explained the role of spouses in the beautiful Qur’an with his Majestic words: ‘they are garments for you and you are garments for them’ and in another ayah of Qur’an Allah swt says ‘that he has placed rahma between your hearts, indeed a sign for men of understanding’.

With these short powerful ayahs, Allah swt has explained that true relationship between the husband and wife is one of friendship, one of companionship, one where they are protectors of one another, one where they value each other, care for each other, love each other, look after each other, are affectionate towards each other in every way. They value each other as individuals. Hence the ayah talking about Allah swt placing rahma between the hearts of the spouses as being a sign for men of understanding.

Even though I have never ever had a dodgy relationship, I do know that generally speaking, these non-Muslim women rather than going for the size of the wallet, in most cases, prefer staying with someone based on ‘how they are treated’ or ‘how he makes me feel’. Is this not surely what the true essence of the relationship of marriage about? It seems that these non-Muslims have understood what marriage is about better then Muslims, considering furthermore that the divorce rate amongst Muslims in the UK and US is very high, it’s obvious that the doctor/lawyer/engineer formula is not quite working, and neither is the marry-someone-from-back home doing much better either.

With respect to marriage advice, two piece of advice which are apt, are the advice of

• do not marry someone very beautiful
• do not marry someone too rich

The reason this advice is apt, and has been ascertained through centuries of experience is because, generally speaking, there may be characteristics that will go against the essence of having tranquillity in marriage. Tranquillity in marriage comes about when the couple are loving and feel loved. When there is love, compassion and care for each other within the marriage. So what is the basis of love, care and compassion? My current thinking is that the most essential element within the marriage is humility. Humility or humbleness will enable love, care and compassion to exist within a marriage and will make sure that the couple have tranquillity in their lives. Without this, there will indeed be major issues and problems.

It is humbleness that results in both the spouses being appreciative of each other. It is humbleness that will make sure the hubby does not care about the tastelessness of the food, but will rather appreciate the effort/love put in, in making it. Did our nabi (saw) ever complain about food?

It is humbleness that will make sure the wife appreciates the hubby’s efforts in working to provide for his family, paying the bills and so on, and it is humbleness that makes the hubby realise that this is just part of his responsibility and an obligation that doesn’t need to be ‘paid back’.

It is through humbleness that the hubby will not feel he ‘owns’ the wife, of that she is his property, that she also has aspirations, she also has goals, wishes, and desires. That she will want to chillax and do crazy/mad things. Hence through humility he will respect her views and never be draconian, realising that marriage is an amanah and he will be accountable for his actions in this regard.

It is through humility that the couple will be able to remove the egoistic tendencies built by this capitalist society that build a me/myself and I syndrome, to such an extent that neither cares about the others wider family. Marriage is about two families also coming together, the couple need to ensure that the family of the other spouse is respected, felt valued and many a time patience and tact is required in dealing with them. Was it not the case that the Prophet (saw) would ask about the sister of Khadija (ra) long after the mother of the believers had passed away?

Men before marriage make all sorts of promises about how clean they are, how they’ll clean up after themselves, how unslobbish they are. Sisters, believing all this hype get married and then six month down the line…..hubby’s just don’t appreciate the amount of effort that goes into tidying and cleaning….wife’s don’t realise how tough it is to earn….etc etc etc….

Surely the relationship between the couple is not a business partnership, where there is a division of labour and a list of do’s and don’ts, surely its more about having a loving family unit that respects, appreciates, loves and cares for each other. One where they through humility put the other spouse first, are considerate for their feelings and empathetic towards their needs. Did the Prophet (saw) the leader of a state, the best dawah carrier, ever feel too important to help his wife’s with the housework? Did he (saw) not take time out to play with them, to make them feel loved and cared for?

Many a time you will find people focusing on the peripheral issues of how much a guy earns, what job he has, what car does he drive….without focusing on the real issue, the true characteristic to look for. They even forget and ignore that Rizq is from Allah swt so if Allah swt wishes for you to be rich, it doesn’t matter who you marry. It’ll happen. What use is driving around in a merc, living in a mansion, having acres of land, the prestige of being the wife of a doctor, when, you are not loved, when you are not appreciated, when you are in a dry un-caring relationship?

O Allah, help us to find a spouses who are upon the Haq, who are a strength for Islam, who are sincere to You and who is devoted to You. A spouse with whom we find tranquillity and companionship. A spouse such that our seeing the other is a strengthening of our Iman, a spouse with whom whose company is a reminder of Allah, a spouse who can educate the children we have – to enable them to become a light of Islam and guides for Muslims, a spouse with whom our personality becomes more refined, a spouse whose smile takes away our tiredness, a spouse whose closeness takes away our worries, a spouse with whose love our needs are reduced, a spouse who removes our laziness by their constancy, a spouse who forgives our faults and overlooks the errors we make, a spouse who becomes for us a comfort, a protection, a cover and a support in the journey of life, a spouse in whose heart there is love and affection, in whose being is intimacy and closeness, a spouse in whose soul there is mercy and compassion, a spouse with which our deen becomes complete and a spouse with whom we enter jannah til firdous.